Erasure Marks & Scratches

These words: erasure marks and scratches. Someone said them in a virtual meeting today. She said them, and they stayed with me. Maybe it's because that’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past twelve months. Erasing the marks G left on me, scratching away memories, words, empty promises, and his shocking displays of toxic behaviors at my expense. I’ve done everything to erase this man. But he looms on my body, in every scent, in every space of my home, and I can’t escape him. I’m stuck inside and I see his faded silhouette on my bed reading something about hip-hop or afro-futurism. I see him sitting in the chair next to me, holding out his hand for me to hold. I hear him laughing and I even hear his silence as he’s in the next room writing me letters of adoration and love. All these things I loved about him have stained me. Today I woke up and showered, played some mantra music and prepared myself for yoga. This was my second day back into my practice, and I was doing great. That is until I sat up, prayer hands pressed at the center of my chest, eyes closed and breathing. Kamasi Washingtons’ ‘Truth’ playing in the background. In meditation, flickers of memories with G passed through. Tears ran down my cheeks and I let them. I kept telling myself to let them fall. That this part of letting go was ok to visit. The night prior I soaked in a rose and coconut oil bath and performed a cord cutting ceremony on myself. Wrote both our names on two separate sheets of paper and bound them to opposite ends of some twine. The instructions said to spray some agua Florida in my space, sage, and to use a candle I could let burn completely out. I took my supplies to my balcony at 9:30ish under the pink super moon. Drank a little wine before starting and took some super deep breaths and began letting go of G for good. I wrapped the twine around each of my hands. Each hand held a name, Nikki and G. For a second I thought, what if this hurts him? But that thought quickly fled once I remembered what he’d done to me. I held the twine over the flame and visualized us walking away from each other. I threw both ends into the fire and added the last letter he wrote me. Goodbye G. This ritual should clear my path to healing and sever our energetic connection. Today, I haven’t seen his silhouette and I haven’t heard him, but I can still feel him. Some bonds are unwavering, and it appears there are some things Witchcraft can’t erase.